Episode 114 | Why Pleasure is the Healing Language Your Body Craves with Somatic Sex & Relationship Coach Faith Laux

Dr. Katie Deming MD: [00:00:00] Hello everyone. I'm Dr. Katie Deming, and this is the Borne Heal Podcast where we share practical tools and knowledge to help you create conditions for true healing in your life. Let's welcome Somatic Sex and Relationship Coach Faith Laos. Faith, welcome.

Faith Laux: Thank you. It's so great to be here.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: I'm so happy to have you on the show again for a second time. So this time we get to talk about pleasure and healing, but I'd love to have you start with like, what does pleasure have to do with healing anyway?

Faith Laux: Yeah, absolutely. And I wanna start by saying that if you're listening in the car with a child, it's fine. I'm gonna do my best to stay within the range of modesty, and this might be one of the episodes that you wanna listen to on your own, where you just will feel more comfortable, uh, without the ears of young ones around.

Faith Laux: [00:01:00] And with that being said, I think that pleasure when, when paired with healing is a really powerful tool. It's, it can be, I mean, healing happens on so many levels as we know. Psychological, physical, spiritual, energetic, and emotional. Mental, and it can be intense. The frequency of healing can sometimes be intense.

Faith Laux: It can sometimes be hard, especially anybody who's going through a cancer healing journey and is taking the allopathic route. It can be grueling and exhausting and hard, and so what? What's the antidote to that? You know, what can we pair alongside some of that, some of those experiences that feel like a slog and pleasure is an extremely powerful.

Faith Laux: Source of energy and [00:02:00] vitality that we get to tap into, and I think it's often overlooked. It's one of those things in our lives that gets pushed to the back and relegated to the end of our to-do list, when actually, if we were to give it time and space to come forward and have more of a place in our day-to-day existence, everything gets easier.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: I love

Dr. Katie Deming MD: that. I love that. So how did you become interested in pleasure in related, in relation to healing?

Faith Laux: Hmm. For me, I've always been interested in sexuality. Like I can remember growing up in Florida riding horses with my, with my best friend at the time, Claudia and. We would just talk about the people we had crushes on and all the things, and that was like my favorite thing to talk about. And later in life I realized, oh, I could [00:03:00] train.

Faith Laux: To support people in this, I could become certified, to be a somatic sex and relationship coach and help people have the kind of erotic lives that they've been hungry for, but not known how. And originally it started from my own journey of feeling dissatisfied and really looking for ways to answer some of the questions that I had within my own marriage and some of the disconnect that we were experiencing.

Faith Laux: And so it was very personal. You know, it was like I was on the hunt for understanding and for knowledge and for connection. and so I, I went down some really beautiful pathways that has now led me to an entirely different career later on in life.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: specifically for my audience, so many people who listen to me are healing cancer or healing some form of illness, and I'm wondering if. You can kind of bring this to them in a way that they can see how does this apply [00:04:00] to them? Like how does someone who is going through a healing journey, or maybe it's not even someone sick, but they're wanting to use pleasure in healing and vitality and, and their wellbeing, what does that mean to you and and how does someone bring this in?

Faith Laux: Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's a really important question. There's two directions that I want to take to answer you.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: you know, I have many listeners who are either healing illness, could be cancer, could be something else, or who are looking to create wellbeing in their life and not get sick. Right. I'm wondering what are the ways that this. Applies practically to healing, right? So what does pleasure have to do with healing in a practical way?

Dr. Katie Deming MD: Like what does this look like as you've incorporated into your life as you're working with other clients? How can people think about pleasure as a way, as the antidote to, [00:05:00] you know, the hardness of going through a healing journey?

Faith Laux: Mm-hmm. Yeah. So one of the things that stands out to me from my own story of being a stage four colon cancer Hmm. Experiencer, being in touch with, like having cancer in your body really puts you close to your mortality and to the awareness that we're not here forever, we're gonna die.

Faith Laux: And it's, it's very shocking to the system and terrifying to just have it that close and pleasure. And eros in the ero, the realm of the erotic. Is kind of the opposite of that. It's the life source. It's like the, the spring of life and creation. It is that energy of creation. And so eros and the erotic for me isn't just about sex or sexuality.

Faith Laux: It's [00:06:00] about our life force energy. What is it that we wanna create in this world? What is it that matters to us? And when we're really close to death? It can be, it can be a, you know, a space of like, oh my gosh, this is overwhelming. I wanna shut down, I wanna hide. And it can also be an invitation to step into life in a more deep way, to really strip away the things that no longer serve us, that we haven't had the courage to say no to.

Faith Laux: And step into the big yeses of the things that we've always longed for. And that was one of the biggest blessings that cancer brought my way. Was that discernment and really like clearing, like taking apart the wheat from the chaff and being very clear, I'm gonna live my life in my full. Yes. Not in my maybe, definitely not in my, no.

Faith Laux: I'm just gonna do the things that are a full Yes. [00:07:00] And it's, it's incredibly empowering to have that kind of a filter. In front of you when you're making decisions about your day, your week, your month, your year. And when I talk about pleasure, I kind of talk about it. I'm referring to it as a capital P.

Faith Laux: Like it's not just sexual pleasure. I think a lot of people hear the word pleasure. They think it's all about, the erotic sexual side of things, but pleasure is so much bigger than that. There's pleasure in connecting with our animals. There's pleasure in putting our feet on the bare grass. There's pleasure in whatever we drink in the morning as that first sip that goes into our body.

Faith Laux: There's pleasure in taking a shower. Life is a sensual experience if we slow down enough to really perceive it and let it in. And to me pleasure, like one of the other gifts of pleasure is it brings us into [00:08:00] the present moment. Into presence, which is something that I think in our society when left unchecked, it's really easy to go onto autopilot and just be in our heads and do the next thing that needs to be done, and we lose the being.

Faith Laux: We lose the joy and the awe and the delight that is at our fingertips. If we only shift. Channels and we shift frequencies. So in a practical way, what this looks like is coming back to our body, the and, and paying attention to the five senses moment by moment as the day unfolds. And what this means at a practical level is taking the time.

Faith Laux: To check in with ourselves and, and feel like, does this experience that I've been invited into feel like a yes or not quite or a maybe, you know? And just really getting [00:09:00] very good at really. Saying yes to the yeses and honoring our maybes is like not quite sure, which means it's a no. We're gonna save that for later.

Faith Laux: And curating a life that is devoted to this sense of coherence with our inner desires, who we are and what it is that we're choosing, how we're choosing to live around us. and so I think those are some of the simple ways that we can. Weave pleasure into the healing journey. And it's, it's true not just for people who are on a physical healing journey of cancer.

Faith Laux: This is applicable to every single human. All of us, you know, need this reminder of like, Hey, slow down. We're not here forever. What's feeling good right now? What would you like more of? And these are, these are simple questions, but powerful. To ask ourselves and to create space to [00:10:00] answer.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: Absolutely. And I think that, you know, this is what the water fast basically for me and for my clients and you who've gone through 14 day water fast, is that it's all about presence.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: You know, it's all about bringing people into the present moment, and you're absolutely right that when we tap into experiencing this body. Beauty, the pleasure that we can experience through this vehicle. It brings us right into the present moment, which is the only thing that we have right when we're running so fast, which I think is part of what's making us sick as a society, is just we just go, go, go, go, go. Right? If we're going so fast, we don't ever even really experience the things that we experience.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: You know? We're just. Blowing through it. And so I've seen you work with my, fasters and also my [00:11:00] community and really looking at how do we. Use our senses to experience this beautiful life that we have, you know? And most of us are sleepwalking through it and just missing it. So I love that. I love how you bring that in as a, you know, this is, and it's not just for people who are healing, it really is for everyone.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: You know, everyone could be more present. You know, there is something really beautiful about becoming present with. Whatever is happening in the moment. Right? And sometimes that's pain, right? And this is the thing is that there's pain, but then also one of the things is that we, the, the light and the dark, the pain and the pleasure, they all go together, right?

Dr. Katie Deming MD: There's this balance of life is not all one thing. So we're not. Just seeking pleasure, right? There's this balance of life is hard. So then how do we find those moments of just, you know, enjoying whatever [00:12:00] pleasure. And it's funny because I'll have to show him on this episode, I just got a baby kitten two days ago

Dr. Katie Deming MD: and talk about like literally just holding like a little baby animal is pure pleasure. Like, so there's, there's so many things, and I love that you said that this is not all about, you know, sexuality or sensuality, but life is sensual, you know, and there's so many things like holding this kitten is absolutely essential. Actually

Dr. Katie Deming MD: here,

Faith Laux: Oh my goodness.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: guy,

Faith Laux: For people who are listening and not watching on YouTube, this is a light blue-eyed, puffy, white, fluffy, gorgeous little creature.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: He's so cute.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: So I'm not sure, we think his name is Elio, but we have not decided for sure. And he's a ragdoll and he is adorable. But like, that's just an example, right? Of, [00:13:00] I, I really have been present for the past couple days of, because you know, you have to slow down when you're with a baby. And, so anyway, I love that how you bring this in, in a practical way and, and. And, and really that it's, it, I think it is all about presence, honestly. Like I think that is the, the core of of where pleasure can be so powerful for us.

Faith Laux: I love that.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: Yeah. So. I mean, you actually, I think, are gonna have to guide me here in terms of like, what is it that my audience should know about the things that you teach and about using pleasure,

Dr. Katie Deming MD: you know, in the ways that you have and also in relationship, and also as a sex and somatic coach. Tell me what are the things that my listeners should know about what you do and, and how it plays into their wellbeing.

Faith Laux: Sure. Well, you know, in thinking about this particular podcast, you know, and the people who are listening [00:14:00] and the themes that you bring in, there's something, there is a point that I, there is a theme I wanna bring up and. And it has to do with water, and it has to do with coherence. And I'm gonna weave it into the work that I do.

Faith Laux: And you know, we all know if we've been listening for any number of weeks or months to what it is that you're putting out. We all know that coherent water matters, structured, mineralized, coherent, filtered, good water, and, um, you know, coherence is that state of, um. It's, sort of what I was talking about with that.

Faith Laux: Yes. When we feel that, yes, this is what I want, I feel aligned with this. There's an alignment and an attunement, A presence like a thrumming Yes. Attunement presence that's happening when you're in a coherent state and often erotically people have and experience a [00:15:00] disconnect. And they're not in a state of coherence when it comes to what turns them on, what they like and what they express to them.

Faith Laux: Like what they allow themselves to, like, if they allow themselves to like it, or if their partner knows that they like that thing, maybe their partner knows, but their partner doesn't like it. And so then it just comes off the table and it's not, it's not met, it's not fed this part of themselves. So many of us are walking around in life with a state of incoherence when it comes to our erotic beings.

Faith Laux: Whether it's like we have a, a, you know, it's an internal incoherence where we judge what we like and we, we feel like there's something wrong with us or an external incoherence within our partnership if we're in a partnership. And so a lot of. The healing that I've done personally and that I support clients to do is to get into a state of coherence [00:16:00] and to really allow our erotic, the seed of desires that exists.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: lis,

Faith Laux: being able to want what we want and like what we like and have that be okay. To bring this sense. I mean, there's so much shame that our culture wraps around sexuality and that all of, you know, many of us carry it in different forms, um, based on our life experiences and the culture that we've grown up in.

Faith Laux: And so when we can take these really beautiful, I think they're innocent desires and bring the energy of acceptance and love to them, there is. There is this experience of coherence that we get to bathe in and enjoy that I think is a healing state. I think there's something really powerful that happens when we can give ourselves permission to be who [00:17:00] we actually are.

Faith Laux: And you know, yesterday I was a guest lecturer in a class on human sexuality at a university and. The students had a, a blank slip of paper to write a question on and to, you know, put in anonymously at the beginning of class. And one of the themes of questions that came my way was, how do I know what I like?

Faith Laux: I mean, and these are, these are kids. These are, you know, young adults in their late teens, early twenties, and it was just such a sweet question. And I think that there's people all along the age spectrum, no matter how old we are, who could ask and feel the same thing. Like I've just been doing the same thing over and over again.

Faith Laux: Thinking that was all that there was. What do I actually like? What do I like? You know? And so, um. I think something, there's so many different things that I, like [00:18:00] directions I could take this for, for listeners and like, this is what I do and this is what I would do in this situation. And this was the, you know, homework assignment I would give you if you were in these shoes.

Faith Laux: but really to just give ourselves permission to, to follow that golden thread of desire of curiosity. Of like, whoa, I think I like that. So read more about it. Listen to more podcasts, take some courses. You know, get somebody trained in that field to teach you about it.I think, I think there's so much more at our fingertips that would bring us joy, would bring us pleasure, would bring us like excitement about life.

Faith Laux: that's just beautiful.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: Yeah. Well, and one thing that occurs to me, and this is just, you know. I have to say this is more my personal experience is that many many women that I work with who [00:19:00] have, you know, specialized in breast and gynecologic cancer for a really long time now. I see, you know, more than, than just that, but. A lot of women in particular, and I'm just speaking from women because that's most of who I see, but I know that this is true for men. You know, they have trauma or you know, things that have happened in their lifetime, in their past that have really shut them down to what they want, right? Like number one, you know, not wanting to explore with their own partner, but also not asking for what. Makes them feel good because they've shut that down from a very early point in life.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: And you know, a lot of what I work with clients on is the whole, people pleasing, you know, and, and doing what other people want you to do. That's part of the healing that I really feel like, cancer. Comes with this opportunity to stop that behavior of doing what everyone else you wants you to do.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: [00:20:00] And so I guess that's, it's tied to two things because really what you were describing is you know exactly that, but sometimes it's related to trauma and I'm just wondering. You know, does someone have to go? And my my personal opinion is that you don't have to go through, you know, years and years of therapy to work through these things.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: But I'm wondering if like you have any advice about someone who maybe has things that are in their past that are influencing their ability to ask for what they need or experience? Pleasure.

Faith Laux: Mm-hmm. Yeah, absolutely. It's, it's more common than we realize. Even if the person hasn't experienced big trauma in their lives, you know, like so many of us are conditioned to focus outward on our partner's pleasure or on other people's needs,

Faith Laux: so when we find ourselves in this place of being shut down and in, in a contraction around. Expressing what we [00:21:00] want and knowing what we want. So it starts with knowing, knowing what we want and like, and then asking for it. I think that one of the big principles that is really helpful in this entire realm is safety, creating safety for our nervous systems, for our bodies to feel like it's okay to slow down.

Faith Laux: It's okay to feel it's okay to create space to inquire what do I want? It matters. And then to create, how do we create safety in our partnerships if we're partnered with somebody to be able to have some deeper conversations that are challenging. You know, it could be like there's a lot of people that come my way who have been with somebody.

Faith Laux: For years and never said certain things [00:22:00] have never come clean about. I mean, any number of things. And it's just been, you know, they've just kind of ignored their own wants and needs and either gone into a place of dissociation, or performance. And so inviting people who find themselves in this place of contraction and like shutdown.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: what would help me feel more safe in my body in this moment? And sometimes it's as simple as naming what we're feeling. I think it was, was it Dan Siegel who was the name it, to Tam It guy. I am not sure.

Faith Laux: someone in, in, in the realm of positive psychology who. Who in neuro, in, neuroscience who talks about, you know, when we're in this amygdala hijack and we don't have access to our prefrontal cortex.

Faith Laux: something that helps us get grounded and back in our bodies and back in the present moment, back in that place of feeling like, oh, I'm not just in fight or [00:23:00] flight mode, I'm not in fawn or freeze mode, is to name the emotion. You name what you're feeling in order to tame it, in order to be able to have a sense of like agency in that moment.

Faith Laux: And so what that looks like in a practical way is if you're in relationship, Hey, I, I have something I wanna talk to you about and it's tender. Are you available maybe this weekend to sit down and have a chat with me about, about something and just sort of setting the context and let, and getting the other person on board and like creating a safe environment for you to begin to process some of the things that are ready to come up.

Faith Laux: Um, safety.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: Yeah.

Faith Laux: Safety. Safety. It's funny because back when I was training to. To become a somatic sex coach. I had two teachers that I was training with at the time, and [00:24:00] the one that I ended up choosing her certification. I chose her because she kept, she kept drumming this beat of safety, and you have to go, you can only go as fast as the slowest part of your nervous system or your psyche.

Faith Laux: So slow down. Work with those parts that are feeling unsafe, tend to them.and I was like, Ooh, that resonates. That feels so, so, right on. We can't override that. We have to, we have to slow down enough to be with these contracted parts. It creates safety for them because once you have that foundation of safety, that's when you can build even stronger experiences of pleasure, on top of it.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: Absolutely. Well, and I guess one question I have is I can think about this, like say, you know, someone's been in a relationship for a decade, right? And they've been [00:25:00] like you say, dissociating or performing to please their partner, and then you're gonna have a hard conversation like this. How do you create safety for these kinds of new, you know, new conversations And, and this is, I think one of the things about when people are, at least, you know, through the experiences that I've had, the people who come work with me or really.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: Interested in doing the deep work to like figure out, okay, what is out of balance? You start really investigating every area, right? And so your relationship and your intimacy is one area that of course people are going to start to become aware of, okay, where was I people pleasing, where was I doing what other people wanted me to do?

Dr. Katie Deming MD: And not speaking up for myself, but I can imagine. A conversation like this could be really hard, especially if you've been performing in a certain way for many years to please your partner. But now this is [00:26:00] something that actually could be quite upsetting for your partner to hear that all this time. This has not been really your experience of, you know, what they thought was going well, that you were, you know, not getting your needs met. So like, to me, sounds very scary and very hard to establish. Like how do you create safety when you've had a relationship like that and you haven't really been honest, like how do you establish that safety?

Faith Laux: Yeah, that's for, for certain conversations like that, I do recommend working with a professional and that's for everybody to discern. Like, do is this, is this something that I like? It would be helpful for me to be held in somebody else's container who can hold both of us as I reveal this thing. Um, I think that that's very helpful.

Faith Laux: and also, you know. Without that, I, I recommend, you know, [00:27:00] creating, like, creating a time and space for it where there's not gonna be distractions and making the environment nice. Have some pillows around, you know, maybe have a warm cup of tea and, and then begin with the positive. Begin by talking about the things that you're grateful for, the things that have been working well.

Faith Laux: And I think also one of my favorite quotes that I think is applicable here is when all is understood, all is forgiven. So I'm gonna put myself in the shoes of the person who has for years. You know, tolerated things that I don't like or just not expressed my own needs, like, and gone into performance and I'll just, it'll be easier if I speak from that perspective.

Faith Laux: So, um, so I've realized something really [00:28:00] important and I wanna bring it to you and it feels really tender and vulnerable. Are you open? Are you open to hear this? Do you have the capacity to hear what I'm about to share with you? And I, as an aside, I'm like stepping back into my podcast voice. it's important to get consent from our partners because if they're going through something, uh, that's intense for them and they don't have the emotional bandwidth to take, you know, to, to meet us in this place.

Faith Laux: It's important to know that it's important to not just assume that they're gonna be ready and willing. Like that's, that's why context setting helps. Like, I'd like to talk to you about something so it's vulnerable and tender for me. Can we set, when's a good time to talk about that? When do you think you'll have the, the space and capacity to go into that kind of a space with me?

Faith Laux: And so moving back in, you've gotten, you know, are you available to hear some of what I'm. You know [00:29:00] what's coming up for me? Yes. Okay. So my whole life I have been trained to focus on other people's pleasure. It's just what came my way growing up as a woman in this culture, in this society, and I haven't really known what I like and what I want.

Faith Laux: I've just been busy focusing outward, and I'm realizing that I've been. Saying yes to things that I'm not a full yes for, and I feel kind of shut down and numb, and I feel sad about this. I feel sad that I don't have access to this part of me and that I don't even know this part of me, but I want to, I yearn to, and I don't have a clear path forward, but I just want you to know that, that this is what's true right now.

Faith Laux: And I'd like to get to a [00:30:00] place where when we're connected and we're intimate with each other, I am in my body really feeling like deep pleasure and joy and embodiment. And I'd like to feel like our hearts are connected and like I trust you and you trust me, and we're both in it together and we're having this like really incredible experience.

Faith Laux: And I am just sad to say that right now. That is not what's so I'm just performing and I'm really sad about it. So something like that where there's this, I think what's helpful in a hard conversation is acknowledging the good things, the things you're grateful for, taking responsibility for, you know, like, this is not your fault, this is not my fault.

Faith Laux: I never got training and how to express my wants and needs or to slow down enough to know what I [00:31:00] actually like. I just went with the flow so there's no blame. and. Then orienting to the vision of what you do want. So it's not just like dumping, um, you know, a pile of resentment on your partner, but really trying to figure out like, like, where are we going?

Faith Laux: Where do I wanna go with you? It's, it's helpful to orient in that way so it doesn't just feel like a big dump. Like, oh my gosh, I've been performing this whole time and nothing's been satisfying. No, it's not a gripe session.

Faith Laux: Yeah.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: Well,

Dr. Katie Deming MD: and I think that, you know, one of the interesting things is that many people, if they've been in a scenario like this or they've been, you know, not really asking for what they need, and this has become a dynamic, they, it's. Maybe even hard for them to know, like, where do I want to go with my partner?

Dr. Katie Deming MD: Right. You know, so that, that's, I guess my next question for you is if [00:32:00] someone is realizing they're not getting what they want, they want that with their partner. They want this, you know, intimate connection and pleasure and just, just the experience of being truly present with your partner together. But they're like, I don't know what that looks like.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: Right. So like, how does someone even begin to start to understand like, what do they want? What are, what are they trying to create?

Faith Laux: You're, um, you're reminding me of. One of the first sessions that I'll do with clients. And, and so I take them on this journey where, you know, this is, you know, after sort of talking and getting the lay of the land, cognitively, we go into a space, uh, in the imaginal realm. So this is the space of imagination and, and it's a five sensory journey.

Faith Laux: So, so often, you know, when I work with people we will, we'll [00:33:00] talk for a while and synthesize a desire like a North star, direction. It's like, this is where my compass is pointing. And it could sound something like, I am a radiant, I am a radiant sexual being. That could be one. I am a healthy vivacious.

Faith Laux: Feminine woman. I don't know. I, I, there's a lot of women who are also coming, like, I feel disconnected from my femininity help. and so you have this vision or, or a couple comes and the couple has a vision. And the most recent couple, that I was working with, their, their vision is short and sweet.

Faith Laux: We are a sexy team. And so you have this like. Directionality, you know where you're going, where you're pointing and, and then you drop into this imaginal realm where you get to allow your imagination to paint a picture [00:34:00] for you. What does it look like? What do you see when you are a radiant? I am a radiant, uh, healthy. Sexual woman, something like that. What do you see? And then like allowing our, being the totality of who we are to paint, to begin to paint a picture. And it's, and it's not linear at all. And then we go through each of the senses, and by the time you're done, you have this clear picture of what it looks like to have this desire.

Faith Laux: Embodied in life. And, and once we have that picture and those little like puzzle pieces, we can start to actually form it in the 3D world.but it does require slowing down. It does require giving ourselves the time [00:35:00] and space to go inward to ask these questions.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: Absolutely.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: Yeah. And I think that, you know, sometimes people are just scared to even, 'cause they don't know where to start, so then they're just like, I'm just gonna ignore this whole piece. But it's really an important part of connecting to yourself. And I, I love how you described that too, that. Some women feel disconnected from their femininity, and also same thing with men feeling disconnected from their masculinity and that. We are, you know, sexual beings. Like we, we have that as part of us. And to be able to be connected to it and then in connection with our partner, it's a very healthy way of being in the world. But there's, you know, a lot of things that conspire against that in turn, and our conditioning and, In all the ways actually it feels like there's not a lot of healthy role modeling 'cause it's either over sex, things are over sexualized.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: Right? Or like, oh [00:36:00] no, you know, good girls don't do that, or whatever it is. Right? So, I find it fascinating and I, and I love the work that you're doing because I think that it has implications on. All your other areas of your life. If you can feel free and open and safe with your partner, and well also with yourself.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: So say someone's not partnered to feel safe and like this is an okay part and it accepted and welcomed part of yourself. I think that's really important to feel like a whole human being.

Faith Laux: Yeah, it's true. I mean.

Faith Laux: It goes back, and in my opinion, this, like this erotic drive of ours, this aeros, this drive for creation. It's innocent. And each of us have different flavors of how we like it, how we want it. and you know, I'm, I'm actually interested in sharing a modality that has been pretty transformative for me [00:37:00] that.

Faith Laux: When I learned about it on a podcast back in, I think it was 2020 is my sense. 'cause it was during the pandemic, it was life changing. And so in this, in this vein of, of this theme of like, what do I want? What do I like? I don't even know, where do I go? There's a resource that I'd love to share if you're

Dr. Katie Deming MD: Yes. Yes, please.

Faith Laux: Okay. And so this is called the Erotic Blueprints, and this is created by a sexologist named Jaya. And she created this extremely elegant system, of sort of personality types for our erotic beings. And I was listening to this podcast of, of her being interviewed and. I was like, oh, this is interesting.

Faith Laux: I wonder, Hmm. Okay. This, she started talking about the, the blueprints [00:38:00] actually, yeah. I'll just, I'll just share what they are. It's been, it's been transformational to have a language to put on these energetic dynamics. So the first blueprint is the energetic, and this is often found in highly sensitive people.

Faith Laux: This is the blueprint for people who are turned on by the approach, the tease, the energy that you can create between you and another person. and the energetic is, you know, the superpower of the energetic is that they are so sensitive. They are so sensitive, they feel everything. And then the shadow is that life can be overwhelming.

Faith Laux: The world is too loud, too fast, too intense, and so they can be habituated to go into this freeze mode and overwhelm very easily and just shut down because it's too [00:39:00] much. And they don't have the skills yet to be able to set good boundaries so that they feel safe to come out to play. Uh, the next one is the sensual and the sensual blueprint loves the senses.

Faith Laux: Erotic experiences for them should have music, they should have candles and beautiful light. Maybe there's some fruit involved, massage, deep touch. they're, they just, they like the overall experience to be gorgeous

Dr. Katie Deming MD: Hmm.

Faith Laux: and. The shadow of the sensual. I think a lot of people can relate to this one if they're in this category, is that it's hard to, to shift gears from go mode, do mode, todo, list, logistical, get it done into sensuality, into the erotic, like I couldn't possibly slow down enough to do this thing that I know I like and that [00:40:00] I know feels good, but I can't.

Faith Laux: I'm doing all these things and so. The sensual needs to feel relaxed in order to want to engage erotically, and that's helpful. That's like a helpful little nugget if you're partnered with somebody who's sensual to know, like, oh, they need a really long on-ramp and I need to support them to relax before they're gonna be in a place that's receptive to more.

Faith Laux: And then the next blueprint is the sexual blueprint. This one is what you see in movies. This one is often, you know, the zero to 60 very quickly. high focus on like straight to the erogenous zones. They're, they are just. Ravenous, lots of passion, lots of expressiveness and the shadow, oh, the interesting thing about the sexual is that they use [00:41:00] sex and sexuality to relax.

Faith Laux: So if they're in a stressed out place and, and like they need the release, sex is a way that they get the release the opposite of essential and. Something that was really eye-opening to me about learning about a sexual is the shadow really is, I'm hearing an echo. Okay. The shadow of the sexual is just feeling like, gosh, I, I just wanna get to the waterfall.

Faith Laux: We're just gonna go quickly to the waterfall and we're gonna, and they miss like all of the slow, beautiful hike that it takes you to get to the waterfall. So the journey for the sexual is to slow down and savor and create more space. And the next blueprint is kinky. And the kinky blueprint is very simply put, turned on by the taboo.

Faith Laux: That [00:42:00] notion of like, Ooh, this is a little naughty. We shouldn't be doing this. Ooh, that, that little thing right there turns you on like that, that turns you on. There's something in this that we shouldn't be doing. It might be that the lights are on you were raised doing it in the dark.it could be a certain position.

Faith Laux: It doesn't have to be. The world of, like this dark, scary world of pain that sometimes gets portrayed when you think about kink. It's really just being turned on by the taboo or being turned on by things that are not conventional in the norm of the culture that you're in. And so the superpower of the kinky is high creativity and novelty.

Faith Laux: Just let's play, let's try it out. Let's see what's what. Let's, let's experiment. Then the shadow is shame. There's something wrong with me. What I like, it's weird or too much. And the last one, the last blueprint is the shapeshifter. And this one is, as you can [00:43:00] imagine, it's the one that encompasses all of the others.

Faith Laux: So they have all of the superpowers of each of these blueprints, and they also have all of the shadows. And so they. When they're partnered up with somebody, their blueprint often shape shifts into their partners. And so they might be an sensual partnership, but then not have all these other aspects of who they are be fed, you know, the energetic, the sexual, the kinky.

Faith Laux: and so it can be really challenging for the shapeshifter to feel like they're ever fed or that they'll ever really be understood erotically 'cause their desire feels too big, too much. So I think it's helpful to have this kind of a language to bring to our partners. And often people are, people choose partners who have a different blueprint than them.

Faith Laux: And so the question is, how do we build bridges to communicate and have more beautiful, uh, moments of [00:44:00] play together to speak each other's language.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: I think that it's that. That's so helpful actually. Thinking about that in terms of the different blueprints and how. Your blueprint would be different than your partner's blueprint and how that plays in. I think that that's very useful language to have as people think about this. And I think that, you know, I. One of the things that I'm hearing from you, and also that I know just from like my own relationships, is that that safety is built over time too, right? It's like by being vulnerable, it's by allowing yourself to, you know. Take risks actually with your partner and to say what you really need and to grow that safety over time.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: Like this is something that may be hard when someone first starts, especially if they've been in a space where they haven't been honoring that, and then their partner is a little bit defensive, like, wow. Why didn't you tell me this [00:45:00] before? That that safety can be built over time, right? That this is like you're creating a new, way of being with this other person and cultivating intimacy.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: Right? That's what I'm hearing from you is that this is something that is cultivated through safety, through trust, through becoming present, and that it's, it's probably not gonna happen overnight. You know, just like any relationship, I mean, we don't jump into relationships and become intimate partners with someone in a way that is meaningful

Dr. Katie Deming MD: really quickly.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: I mean, that can happen, but it's often takes time to develop that trust and and relationship together. So, I love everything that you're bringing in here because I think these are things that. We don't talk about a ton, especially in my world, like you're the first person that I've had on to even talk about this and I know that sexuality and, you know, sexual, side effects associated with treatment.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: I mean, when I was practicing as a radiation oncologist. I mean, I [00:46:00] would say like a quarter of my day was spent talking about sexual side effects and sexual, you know, side effects from medications that people are on, or the radiation that I gave and, and how do you cultivate intimacy when things have changed?

Dr. Katie Deming MD: Right. So I know, especially in the healing space of cancer, that this is a big conversation that. We're having enough, you know, so I appreciate you coming on here and talking about these things and giving people language to start the conversation and knowing that this likely will be uncomfortable at first if this is new for you, you know?

Faith Laux: 100%. 100%. I agree. And it's, it is gonna be uncomfortable and then it'll be comfortable. Like it's, it's, it's a process. And I, I liked what you were saying about, you know. As you were talking about, this being sort of an iterative experience, it doesn't happen overnight. This is not a one conversation, quick fix kind of thing, [00:47:00] especially when we're navigating body changes based on treatment.

Faith Laux: You know, there's a lot of things that come down the pike that are unexpected, and the way I like to talk to clients about it is it's like cultivating a garden. You know, if you have a garden that you haven't really spent too much time tending. Over the past years, you start with the soil, you start, well, you start with the pruning, you start with the weeding, like pulling out the things that, that you know, that don't serve you, that no longer are a yes.

Faith Laux: And, and then you plant, you have a season of planting, and so you have new habits. What do we want? You've taken out the old and now what do we want? What are the new things? What are assignments that we can do to help? Deepen these roots and how can we tend to these new habits of, of being. And then it's funny 'cause people will come to me and they want to have a better [00:48:00] sex life.

Faith Laux: That's the vision or the desire, but we, you know, there's, there's a process to get there. It's not about technique. It's about being and presence and, and tending to the garden holistically The garden of our relationship, either if it's just with ourselves or with our partnership, the blossoming phase happens later down the road.

Faith Laux: That deeper connection and intimacy and pleasure and trust. The flow, getting into the flow state with our partner. I mean, how exquisite is that when, when it's paired in the erotic sense? I mean, time. One of my favorite things about Aeros is that, and, and you've talked about this in your, community calls about, our ability to, does he say, does he call it master time?

Dr. Katie Deming MD: Conquer time.

Faith Laux: Time.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: Yeah.

Faith Laux: I was just thinking about this the other day, in an intimate experience. And it was only, and I remember looking at the clock [00:49:00] being like, oh, it's 3 22. And, and then, let's see. And then, and then I had this like just really deep multiple chapter experience that was. Beautiful and amazing and I was like, wow, that was spectacular.

Faith Laux: And I looked at the clock again afterwards and it was 3 38 and it was like 16 minutes had passed, but it felt like an hour. And I remember just being like, whoa, this feels, I mean, it time does something different when you're in the space of flow and presence with your partner. It's. Uh, I, I think it's a beautiful thing.

Faith Laux: And, and then just to close out the garden metaphor, the last thing that is helpful for couples, or individuals, this really isn't just about couples. but how do we tend to our garden in an ongoing way? What, what new routines [00:50:00] need to be in place? What nourishment are we going to root in to our daily lives to create what it is that we desire?

Faith Laux: How are we gonna do that in a sustainable way? and I think it's a term, like it's just such a gift to be able to be thinking about stuff like this and not, not just the logistics of, getting through the day. You know, but like really, how can we live this life where we're really squeezing the juice out of it?

Faith Laux: We're like getting to the marrow of this human experience. We don't know how long we're here for, so why don't we do our best to enjoy it the most that we can, and not necessarily in just just hedonistic way, but in this really rich, deep, true, soulful way that's incoherence with the essence of who we are.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: Absolutely. So beautiful. Thank you so much Faith for coming on the show. If people are interested in finding [00:51:00] you, where can they find you?

Faith Laux: Faith la.com is my website and at Faith Lauch on Instagram. Those are two easy places to start.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: Perfect. Well thank you so much Faith for being here. It's been a pleasure. I.

Faith Laux: Thank you for having me. It's been wonderful.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: Thank you for being here today. Please enjoy a previous episode of Born To Heal, and if you found value in our conversation, please subscribe and share with someone who might benefit. Have questions, drop them in the YouTube comments or message me on Instagram Links are in the episode description.

Dr. Katie Deming MD: Remember, just like me, you were born to heal.