FREE Guide “3 Things You Need to Know About Cancer That No-One Is Telling You”

Weekly episodes that bring you tangible tips, case studies, and deep dives to help you detoxify and nurture yourself so you can connect to your highest self and heal.

Episode 56 | The Emotion-Health Connection and the Power of Social Fluency with Cher Anderton, Mental Health Therapist and Author

Don't Face Cancer Alone
“The 6 Pillars of Healing Cancer” workshop series provides you valuable insights and strategies to support your healing journey – Click Here to Enroll

Ever wondered why some people seem to bounce back from hardships more easily than others?

Dr. Katie Deming explores the world of social emotional fluency with mental health therapist Cher Anderton. Discover how your emotions and social connections play a crucial role in your overall health and well-being.

Learn the connection between your nervous system and emotional experiences as Cher explains the concept of “embedded emotions.” You'll gain a deeper understanding of how past traumas and unprocessed feelings can impact your current health and relationships.

Cher introduces the groundbreaking approach of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, revealing how this method can help you heal emotional wounds and transform your inner dialogue.

Key Takeaways:
Three steps for healthy emotional processing
Discover how to use the Gottman feelings wheel to expand your emotional vocabulary
Understand the concept of “embedded emotions” and their impact on health
Create a personalized “feel good plan” for nourishing your nervous system
Learn the importance of setting boundaries and curating your social circle during challenging times

Chapters:
09:00 – The childhood coping strategies that sabotaging your health
17:48 – 3 simple steps to emotional mastery you can start today
21:00 – The reason your relationships might be making you sick
25:54 – Build your emotional superpower toolkit
33:30 – ‘Inner child' work explained

She shares simple yet powerful techniques to help you manage difficult emotions and improve your social connections. These skills are especially crucial during times of crisis, such as dealing with a health scare like cancer or major life changes.

Dive deep into the importance of self-awareness and self-management as foundational skills for emotional fluency. Cher explains how these competencies are essential not only for personal well-being but also for nurturing healthy relationships.

You'll learn how to use the “Gottman feelings wheel.” A practical tool to expand your emotional vocabulary and better identify your feelings, leading to more effective communication and self-regulation.

Explore the concept of a “feel good plan” and discover why certain coping mechanisms, like screen time or substance use, can be detrimental to your emotional health. Cher provides insights on how to create a personalized list of healthy alternatives that nourish your nervous system and promote genuine well-being.

Understand the importance of setting boundaries and curating your social circle during challenging times to protect your energy and focus on healing.

Listen and discover a path to greater self-awareness and emotional balance.

You'll learn how to identify and process your emotions in a healthy way, leading to better decision-making and stronger relationships.

Send us a text

I'd love your help in spreading the word about holistic healing.

1. Leave a review for Born to Heal on Apple Podcasts:
2. Take a screenshot of your review
3. Share it on your Instagram Stories
4. Tag me @the.conscious.oncologist
5. And use the hashtag #BornToHealPodcast

As a thank you, you could win a one-on-one consultation with me, a Keto Mojo health tracking device, or a Komuso Shift necklace.

Don't Face Cancer Alone
“The 6 Pillars of Healing Cancer” workshop series provides you valuable insights and strategies to support your healing journey – Click Here to Enroll  

MORE FROM KATIE DEMING M.D.

Free Guide – 3 Things You Need to Know About Cancer: 
https://www.katiedeming.com/cancer-101/

6 Pillars of Healing Cancer Workshop Series – Click Here to Enroll

Work with Dr. Katie: www.katiedeming.com

Follow Dr. Katie Deming on Instagram: The.Conscious.Oncologist

Take a Deeper Dive into Your Healing Journey: Dr. Katie Deming’s Linkedin Here

Please Support the Show

  • Share this episode with a friend or family member
  • Give a Review on Spotify
  • Give a Review on Apple Podcast
Read the Transcript Below:

[00:00:00] Dr. Katie Deming MD: Do you ever find yourself struggling to understand your emotions or connect with others?

[00:00:04] Dr. Katie Deming MD: Today I sit down with Cher Anderton, an expert in social emotional fluency. Share helps people develop skills to manage their feelings and improve relationships, even during life's most challenging times. You'll learn simple steps to identify your emotions, cope with discomfort, and build stronger connections.

[00:00:23] Dr. Katie Deming MD: Share offers a powerful analogy that will change how you think about the people in your life. Stay until the end to [00:00:30] gain practical tools to boost your emotional intelligence and create more meaningful relationships. [00:01:00] today I am thrilled to be joined by Cher Anderton, who is here to talk to us about social emotional fluency. Welcome Cher.

[00:01:24] Cher Anderton: Hello.

[00:01:24] Dr. Katie Deming MD: So Cher, I think I would love to just start with what is the definition [00:01:30] of Emotional fluency or social emotional fluency.

[00:01:33] Dr. Katie Deming MD: Can you define that for us so that we know really what we're talking about on this episode today?

[00:01:38] Cher Anderton: Sure thing. So social emotional fluency is really having that awareness of what's happening in our brains and bodies as much as possible. And then knowing how to manage what is coming up in our brains and bodies, which then allows us the social part. That's our own emotional fluency. The social part is then understanding how the [00:02:00] things that come up in our brains and bodies interact with other people because we really are truly just nervous systems connecting with each other.

[00:02:08] Cher Anderton: they're talking to each other all the time. And so building that fluency allows us to know what we're bringing to the table, so to speak, what's happening for us. And then what we bring to the table when it comes to relationships, interactions with other humans, how we move through life. And so it's really just a set of skills that we can develop that then become [00:02:30] competencies.

[00:02:30] Cher Anderton: And so that just keeps developing our social emotional fluency, which we can do throughout our lifetime.

[00:02:36] Dr. Katie Deming MD: And can you explain like, why is this important? How does this show up for people? Why? Why should they care about this particular thing? And also thinking about this in relation to. Maybe someone who's going through an illness or someone who's trying to heal. Why is this important? The work that you're doing.

[00:02:54] Cher Anderton: Number one, we have a lot of research behind social and emotional learning. So [00:03:00] a lot of our kids these days are getting a formal education in this in schools. There's tons of social emotional curriculum out there that kids are getting this education in. Yet most of us in our age bracket, older and even younger, are, have not had that formal education.

[00:03:16] Cher Anderton: But what we do know from the research is that when we are developing our social and emotional fluency, that we experience more success in all facets of our life, in relationships, in physical, [00:03:30] mental, emotional wellness. for people who are leaning into academics. So for our kids who are learning this, or people who are in college or studying, they're going to experience more academic success.

[00:03:40] Cher Anderton: And so the research is really sound yet. There's a whole several generations that have missed out on how to build that social emotional fluency. And it's foundational to our wellbeing, like very foundational. We're talking about self awareness, self management and specifically self regulation. So [00:04:00] what feelings are we having?

[00:04:01] Cher Anderton: How do we manage and process them in healthy ways? And so it's really hard to be well, if we don't have the skills, the social and emotional skills to do that. We're kind of just piecing things together, maybe missing the mark in a lot of ways.

[00:04:17] Dr. Katie Deming MD: Got it. Okay. So, and actually this is, that's, I love that you said that because my kids are learning that in school and they talk about it. So why is emotional fluency [00:04:30] and feeling your emotions and, and. And having fluency in that particular aspect, how does that show up for people and how, basically, what is the purpose of our feelings and why is it important for us to have this emotional fluency?

[00:04:45] Dr. Katie Deming MD: Maybe going through kind of the purpose of our feelings and why we have them and how this work can help.

[00:04:52] Cher Anderton: So the purpose of feeling is really just information. So we, the feeling signals begin in our brains, but [00:05:00] then get sent to our bodies. So feelings are felt in our bodies. It's a felt experience.most of us have been socialized and traumatized out of our bodies, meaning we live more up in our heads, which makes it very difficult to connect to the emotions and the things that we're feeling in our bodies.

[00:05:17] Cher Anderton: We as human beings, I believe, have a, on a spectrum, a whole range of dissociative coping strategies that we lean into versus healthy coping [00:05:30] strategies that help us be in our bodies. So if feelings are information for us to pick up, like our brain sending a signals, Hey, this is okay. This is not okay.

[00:05:38] Cher Anderton: Whatever it is, if we're not picking up those signals. The brain can intensify them so we can get really, really uncomfortable.the brain can distract us. So we can kind of be focused on this work issue that we're having or a relational issue. Anything that kind of takes us out of our bodies. And the tricky thing about this, I'm going to kind of back it up a little bit.

[00:05:59] Cher Anderton: Is that [00:06:00] these coping strategies that most of us have as adults to manage feelings. We learn as children. So most of us are operating from a very kind of childlike way when it comes to managing our emotions. And so if that's the case back in the day, when we were younger and say, I'm experiencing something really difficult, trauma, stress, whatever it is, chaos in family life, whatever. And my brain perceives that I can't navigate. and manage the feelings, it's going to come up with all kinds [00:06:30] of coping strategies and distractions away from that. So it's just going to kind of slowly move me out of my body as a way to cope, but definitely less helpful because those emotions that we experienced throughout our life get embedded in our nervous systems.

[00:06:45] Cher Anderton: They're stuck there until we process and move them through. And that's why Healing and growing at any age or stage is so powerful because it's never too late to unstick those emotions, so to speak, and process them in healthy [00:07:00] ways.

[00:07:00] Dr. Katie Deming MD: And when you say they get caught in our nervous system. system. Can you just talk a little bit of more about that? Like, what is happening there? And what do you mean by that when you say they're getting stuck in the nervous system?

[00:07:11] Cher Anderton: So there's a lot of scientific processes. I like to keep it kind of very digestible for folks when it comes to this. But when I talk about embedded in our nervous systems, it means that those experiences, especially when we have difficult experiences and they're paired with uncomfortable emotions, they imprint on our brains. In [00:07:30] ways that can be, that can show up in more uncomfortable ways down the road. So they're embedded in our nervous systems in the way that they're stuck there. They're not going anywhere just because we've stuffed down or numbed out or whatever it is, does not mean that those emotions are no longer there.

[00:07:49] Cher Anderton: They're in our nervous systems until we have the skill will and or capacity to process them in healthy ways.

[00:07:56] Dr. Katie Deming MD: Okay. And so, I've had a couple of [00:08:00] practitioners on to talk about psyche and the subconscious mind. And the subconscious role in this. And, and this is one of the things that those other guests have talked about is that the trauma, any emotionally charged memory is just recorded in the subconscious mind.

[00:08:17] Dr. Katie Deming MD: And so basically it's programmed in there just like a recording, and then it's just running a loop. And that's what you're basically describing to us is that it's getting imprinted and basically. Even if [00:08:30] you're not consciously aware that it's affecting you, it's in there and it's kind of running a loop and unless we, you know, process release that and then also learn how to process like, uh, kind of manage the emotions.

[00:08:43] Dr. Katie Deming MD: Is that correct?

[00:08:44] Cher Anderton: absolutely. I love that. Yeah, those, the wording around running a loop because and running a loop, I kind of think of it as like an undercurrent as well. Like, say, in the movie, Ghostbusters, you had the green goo kind of underneath the building that was making everybody feel all kinds of things. But we have [00:09:00] this just background track running all the time, and it's really how we move through most of life.

[00:09:06] Cher Anderton: We're not very conscious. We're running off of that subconscious loop. So if we have really unhelpful ways of managing emotions, really tuning into our bodies and giving them what they need, then we're going to get all kinds of, I call them invitations, and they're quite uncomfortable at times to heal and grow along the way.

[00:09:27] Cher Anderton: And so they're just going to keep coming up. We're going to [00:09:30] keep getting invited so to speak until we just actually have the kind of bravery or just will to learn different and better and healthy coping strategies.

[00:09:42] Dr. Katie Deming MD: yeah. And for my listeners, those people who are experiencing cancer or healing from cancer, cancer is one of those invitations. You know, it's like it's a signal that something is wrong and all of us have these. It doesn't have to be cancer. It could be anything. It could be a relationship issue. It [00:10:00] could be a work issue.

[00:10:01] Dr. Katie Deming MD: You know, these things that show up in our life that we think are You know, problems are really invitations for looking at, like, what is going on with us on a deeper level. So when you, let's talk about this. So with someone who is dealing with a life threatening illness, cancer, as an example, you know, they are in a constant state of fear.

[00:10:27] Dr. Katie Deming MD: Most of them. I'm wondering [00:10:30] how do you think about emotional fluency in terms of fear, specifically, and maybe just start there and kind of tell me what your, you know, what your thoughts are about that and what approaches you use.

[00:10:45] Cher Anderton: So when it comes to something, like cancer and navigating the fear, especially maybe even if you've been in remission and then you have a fear of recurrence and that's coming up. When I work with clients around any sort of illness or really most issues that come up [00:11:00] in with my therapy clients, we follow the trailhead of the emotion.

[00:11:04] Cher Anderton: So while we might think that that fear is just all wrapped up in the cancer and just connected to the cancer, if we can kind of piece them apart and follow the trailhead of the fear, We're going to find the root of that fear. So that can be done in numerous ways. I use a modality called, internal family systems, IFS, or parts work, which I highly recommend for anybody who's [00:11:30] navigating any sort of physical ailment.

[00:11:31] Cher Anderton: Because oftentimes parts of ourselves, the theory behind it is that there, we all have sub personalities or parts of ourselves and those parts that are wounded. Need us to kind of reparent them and help them heal and grow. And so when we follow the trail head to the fear, we might find, you know, a younger part of ourselves that experienced something very scary. And when we can kind of tend to that part, make that connection with that younger self, with that inner child work, we [00:12:00] can then help them heal and grow and release the fear. And then that in turn is going to positively impact any other issue we're experiencing, including physical. Things like cancer.

[00:12:10] Dr. Katie Deming MD: Got it. Okay. So, and this is something that maybe if people are not familiar with, Inner child work. Could you just describe that? Like you did, but but I think that, explaining what that is because we have not talked about that on this show.

[00:12:26] Cher Anderton: So inner child work is really, we probably, if you're on [00:12:30] Instagram or social in any way, you're seeing like inner child work or reparenting that term coming up. But most of us did not get the emotional support, the bare minimum support as children just in another the way that they were. the skills that our parents had growing up.

[00:12:45] Cher Anderton: So most of us experienced some sort of emotional neglect where, you know, we're told to stop crying or stop being too much or dramatic. You're being too sensitive. And so we didn't get that kind of emotional support as kids. And when that [00:13:00] happens, there are parts of us or younger selves that get stuck along that timeline.

[00:13:05] Cher Anderton: And so when we connect with those inner children, those younger selves, we can give them the parenting that they needed. So we can give them the safety, the love, the unconditional love that maybe we never experienced as children. And it's a really beautiful experience. It's things that just happen in your mind's eye.

[00:13:26] Cher Anderton: But the internal family systems or parts work [00:13:30] is really phenomenal for tending to those emotions and those younger selves that were stuck and can kind of be moved along and cared for.

[00:13:40] Dr. Katie Deming MD: Okay. That's super helpful because I think people hear that and they're like, I don't know what inner child work is. And basically. Is like giving yourself what maybe you didn't get and knowing that we can do that now in real time as adults, we can parent ourselves and basically create that [00:14:00] safety. okay, so that's, that's really helpful.

[00:14:03] Dr. Katie Deming MD: And so if someone, and this is a question I have for you in terms of. Are there skills that, that you can teach that maybe don't require someone to go full into this kind of therapy that might help them with emotional fluency around whatever emotions that come up through illness? Are there some things that tangibly people could be doing that would make it easier to [00:14:30] manage through these?

[00:14:30] Dr. Katie Deming MD: And then knowing. That the inner child work is a way if they're wanting to go in and follow, you know, where are the roots? Where does that fear originally come from? And, and bringing these things to the surface, they can, you know, do that kind of work, but I'm, I'm thinking about practical tips that there are things that people can do to help with emotional fluency.

[00:14:50] Cher Anderton: Absolutely. Yeah, there's some really foundational steps. So just three steps for healthy emotional processing. So let's just kind of break them down and [00:15:00] make them accessible first when we're experiencing any sort of uncomfortable emotion. And I don't use terms like good or bad, because a lot of us have.

[00:15:09] Cher Anderton: Kind of some morality and some less helpful correlations to those words. And when we feel feelings in our bodies, they feel comfortable or uncomfortable, really. So whenever we're feeling something uncomfortable, we do want to pause. We want to train our nervous systems to pause and just take a deep breath or two.

[00:15:28] Cher Anderton: So we don't want to react [00:15:30] and say and do from those feelings. Because that's often when we say and do things that are quite disconnecting for ourselves and between other people. And so, when I was an elementary school counselor, we used to use a phrase that is very applicable to adults, too, which is, all feelings are okay.

[00:15:46] Cher Anderton: It's what we say and do with them that matters. We don't want to be mean with our mad or hurt people with our sad and that there's a whole spectrum of that. So we want to really just pause so that we can invite that space to show up [00:16:00] differently. and process our emotions in healthier ways instead of reacting from them.

[00:16:04] Cher Anderton: So just some deep breaths. First step when we're feeling uncomfortable is to take some deep breaths. The second piece is that we want to identify and actually name that feeling or feelings that we're having. So there's some research to show that even as adults We have a very limited vocabulary for identifying our emotions.

[00:16:25] Cher Anderton: So this is where I recommend, folks begin with just a simple [00:16:30] feelings chart. And posting it around their house. The one that I typically use with clients, it's the Gottman feelings wheel. It's free. If you just Google Gottman feelings wheel, you can find a free PDF online and it's helps us get really granular with identifying the feelings.

[00:16:47] Cher Anderton: Um, I even have clients who have found pillows with the feelings wheel on it on like Amazon, like throw pillows and things. So super helpful to just have a feelings chart around So that we can build that [00:17:00] vocabulary of identifying our feelings because feelings are information from our brain. We really want to be clear and picking up what the brain is putting down.

[00:17:09] Cher Anderton: So that's why that granular and really like more in depth vocabulary helps. So we're going to pause. We're going to take a couple of deep breaths. We're going to identify what we're feeling. And if we need help with a feelings chart, which most of us do, great. And then we're going to move into practicing some healthier coping strategies.

[00:17:26] Cher Anderton: And I use a term, it's called a feel good plan. You can call it a bliss [00:17:30] list or anything you want.but it's a list of things that we think, say, and do to feel good. Most of the time, all feelings are okay. So even the uncomfortable ones were meant to experience. It's part of being alive and being human, which is.

[00:17:44] Cher Anderton: It's a great thing to be alive and be human. So we do want to lean into that. It's just that most of us don't have the skills to manage the discomfort. That's really hard. And also the meaning that we make out of those feelings that we have, we want to be really careful about [00:18:00] that. So that's part of our bliss list or a feel good plan is really checking our self talk.

[00:18:05] Cher Anderton: That has to be part of how we're processing emotions. And just checking our stories and our thoughts. And I think I've listened to a recent episode of yours or one of the recent ones around meaning making, and that was really, that's a really helpful episode to check out because you talked about just the meaning that we make out of how many different perspectives we can have, and the meaning that we make out of our life experiences.

[00:18:29] Cher Anderton: And so we want [00:18:30] to be really clear that we're having self talk that can be helpful and conducive to a trajectory of healing and growing. As humans, and then things like movement, a breath practice, chatting with a friend nature. There are a lot of things that can be on that field of plan or that list.

[00:18:48] Cher Anderton: That's essentially just nourishment for a nervous system. It's a list of things that we can do to nourish our nervous system and get those kind of dopamine and feel good chemical hits that we want more of. But there are two things that shouldn't be on [00:19:00] anybody's list. And this is part of why most of us are just very, again, socialized to have some unhelpful coping strategies, screens.

[00:19:09] Cher Anderton: We often feel uncomfortable and we go straight to screens. We want to create a bit of a disconnection because we don't want to make any neural connections in our, in our brains between discomfort and distractions like screens or vices. That's the second thing to not have on our feel good plan. So wine, food, online shopping.

[00:19:29] Cher Anderton: We [00:19:30] do not want to be engaging in those things from the dysregulated state. Because then again, we're creating that connection between, oh, discomfort, and I'm going to check out of my body and lean into these other coping strategies that feel calming, but are like a false sense of calm. So those are really just three super tangible steps that anybody can can practice.

[00:19:52] Cher Anderton: They're very basic. But again, most of us really need to lean into the basics because we never learned them and never practice them.

[00:19:59] Dr. Katie Deming MD: [00:20:00] Exactly. No, exactly. And what's interesting is that this list is exactly what I teach clients when they are basically in distress. It's like, first thing, pause, take a couple of deep breaths. Like that. Just the very, First thing just to calm their nervous system and then identifying the feeling that they're having.

[00:20:21] Dr. Katie Deming MD: And then I love how you state that, you know, it's uncomfortable or that you talk about this as uncomfortable emotions. And, [00:20:30] you know, I had to think about that myself, you know, that I. Talk about negative versus positive emotions and you're exactly right and it's this recognizing that you're in discomfort.

[00:20:43] Dr. Katie Deming MD: It's telling us, okay, that there's an uncomfortable emotion there that you don't want to stay in, um, and, and having that awareness. And then I love the, uh, Gottman feelings wheel. So that's a great, piece of advice for people, because what you said, I, I find is true. A lot of [00:21:00] us. are not fluent in all the different emotions.

[00:21:03] Dr. Katie Deming MD: We've got like a couple that we can name, but it really helps if you have that wheel and you can identify, Oh, you know, this is, this is what I'm feeling. And also it starts to create awareness where Then people can identify the emotions without the wheel. The idea is that you're starting to learn what these different emotions are.

[00:21:23] Dr. Katie Deming MD: So then you're like, Oh, okay. That's what that is. That's showing up. Cause sometimes we don't know. We're just like, I just feel off. Like, I just feel anxious [00:21:30] or, you know, like you don't have the, you know, exact vocabulary. So I love that. And then the feel good plan. And I, it's really important that you, that you brought up that with the things not to put on this list.

[00:21:42] Dr. Katie Deming MD: And that we're wanting to help people. be stay in their bodies and learn how to experience emotions from a safe place from, you know, a place where they don't dissociate, which is what most of us have learned to do through different coping mechanisms as [00:22:00] we dissociate and then don't feel, the emotions.

[00:22:03] Dr. Katie Deming MD: So, there were some.

[00:22:04] Cher Anderton: And can I add one more, a couple more things to that so having the visual reminders with the chart and then even making that visual list. of a feel good plan and posting it in different places. The reason behind that is that when we're trying to change patterns, which essentially we're trying to change thought, feeling, and even behavior patterns with practicing these steps.

[00:22:27] Cher Anderton: When we're trying to change patterns, we have to [00:22:30] get the new Things the kind of the direction we want to go in front of us often in front of our brains often just as reminders, because if we think we're going to sit down and make a list of things that we can think, say, or do to feel good, most of the time, and then we're going to remember it in a time when we're dysregulated, it's not going to happen.

[00:22:49] Cher Anderton: It's just not so having that visual to kind of go, oh, it's a picture. I'm going to keep an eye on that. And that's what I'm going to anchor to and kind of help create these new patterns. Also with [00:23:00] the identifying your emotion and getting curious, you're essentially asking, what do I feel? What do I need?

[00:23:06] Cher Anderton: The, what do I feel is the second step. The, what do I need comes from the feel good plan and asking yourself those questions just helps you connect with curiosity, just getting curious. What's happening in my body right now? Where do I feel that anxiety? And anchoring to that and just getting curious about it versus getting frustrated.

[00:23:24] Cher Anderton: Like I'm anxious again and here I go and whatever it is, we kind of spiral out the

[00:23:29] Dr. Katie Deming MD: stories [00:23:30] exactly the stories that we create and meaning that we make from it. yeah.

[00:23:34] Cher Anderton: more curious about how we feel and what we feel in our bodies can be regulating the nervous system in and of itself because curiosity is connected to the reward centers of our brain. So just getting curious and asking helpful questions. Versus, why am I so anxious all the time, but just, huh, I feel really anxious right now. That's interesting. I wonder why. Who needs me? Like, and that's the kind of going to the parts of like, is anybody in my internal system [00:24:00] feeling some sort of way that I can help, help them with? And that's that deeper level of emotion processing that takes maybe some help from professional to do

[00:24:10] Dr. Katie Deming MD: Yeah.

[00:24:11] Dr. Katie Deming MD: yes. Well, and I think that as people develop awareness around number one the emotions that are experiencing and then maybe where is this coming from as you start to Heal and recognize that there are some places where trauma has occurred [00:24:30] then it becomes easier in that moment. You're like, oh Like, you get mad at someone and then you realize like, oh, the reason why I got mad is because that's triggering my 15 year old self who experienced whatever it was.

[00:24:42] Dr. Katie Deming MD: Right? And then it's not like you have to go back and then like, you're like, hugging that, you know, 16 year old self and all that. I think people get confused about that. It can be just the awareness like. Oh, I see. That's that trigger again. It's coming up again. And, you know, and you can comfort yourself in, in a way that allows [00:25:00] you just to move things through faster, you know, rather than getting stuck and being like, I have no idea why, what this person just did made me.

[00:25:06] Dr. Katie Deming MD: completely angry or whatever it is, but when you start to have awareness about those things that are in your past and, and what they, that particular version of yourself experienced when they had it, then it makes it easier to identify and move through things in with less pain. Less damage, less like cumulative damage as you move through the world.

[00:25:27] Dr. Katie Deming MD: Right. And I think this is a part that you get into with [00:25:30] social. It's like our emotional fluency affects our social interactions and how we have relationships with others.

[00:25:36] Cher Anderton: Absolutely. Yes. Yeah. So building both of those skill sets, not just emotional intelligence, we need that relational or social intelligence as well, because we're wired for connection. And when our relationships are not well, it's hard for us to be well as individuals too.

[00:25:53] Dr. Katie Deming MD: Absolutely. And I think also the part that you said about being curious, this is the thing that [00:26:00] I, encourage my clients to really just get curious and, you know, Leave the judgment, like, let's just look at what's there because a lot of times people get so caught in the story that they've made up about that, that they have so much judgment either about themselves or whatever it is their body.

[00:26:19] Dr. Katie Deming MD: If they're sick, dealing with illness, it's like, if you can let that go for just a minute, you'll create more awareness that ultimately will help you. You know, and [00:26:30] so it really kind of. I think it's, it can't be stressed enough that when you're doing this kind of work, you really want to be in curiosity, you know, and, and frankly, with everything, I think judgment gets us in trouble in, in so many ways.

[00:26:44] Dr. Katie Deming MD: Um, but particularly with ourselves, sometimes we're not curious. We're just like coming down as the judge.

[00:26:50] Cher Anderton: Right. And so that self awareness developing that self awareness of what, what those tracks are running in our subconscious. So that we can kind of bring them to [00:27:00] consciousness and then shift them because we can't change what we don't know is there. So that is a huge piece of even just following those steps for healthy emotional processing.

[00:27:08] Cher Anderton: We're just getting that practice of dropping into our bodies and our brains, noticing what's going on in there, bringing it to our awareness so that we can then shift it because the stories that we have, again, could be very childlike. From an earlier time when we were traumatized, less skilled. So we really do want to kind of grow up our story, so to speak, by [00:27:30] considering different perspectives and that engages that curiosity piece

[00:27:33] Dr. Katie Deming MD: Yeah. I love that too. That by. You know, becoming more aware of this, then you can create more. I don't know what the wording you used exactly, like, but mature stories, like, cause the meaning that you made from it is what is problematic. And so now if we can bring it to conscious awareness and as the person that we are today, that is more resourced and has more emotional fluency, you can [00:28:00] create a new story that could totally change the way that you see that experience, whatever it was.

[00:28:05] Dr. Katie Deming MD: So that's beautiful.

[00:28:06] Cher Anderton: Yeah. So managing, learning the skills to manage the discomfort on the other side of that, we end up experiencing more joy and ease. Because we have leveled up the skills, it just becomes easier to manage. The more skills you have, the easier things do become even navigating something as tricky as cancer.

[00:28:26] Dr. Katie Deming MD: Yeah. And can you talk about [00:28:30] social fluency and the, you know, why is connection so important? You talked a little bit about this, that we're wired for connection, but how, you know, maybe just explaining a little bit more about your work and how someone who is healing or someone who's wanting to, you know, create.

[00:28:50] Dr. Katie Deming MD: Well, being in their life, the role of social fluency in that and, and, and, and how that can bring more health well being to the, to them.

[00:28:59] Cher Anderton: [00:29:00] Mhm. So the two really foundational competencies that we want to lean into initially are building that self awareness and self management that I mentioned earlier. Because it's really hard to do well in relationships if we're not aware of what's happening in our brains and bodies and how it's impacting people around us.

[00:29:20] Cher Anderton: And we don't know how to manage what comes up for us. So, foundationally, we start with self awareness, then self management builds on that, and then a couple of other [00:29:30] really well researched competencies are responsible decision making. We're just going to make better choices if we're tuned into our bodies, knowing what's happening, listening to our gut, so to speak.

[00:29:41] Cher Anderton: Then there's the social awareness piece that's understanding that, okay, I have my own story. This is my own experience. Thank you. These are my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and that everybody has their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. And how do we interact with people who have really different thoughts, feelings, and behaviors?

[00:29:59] Cher Anderton: [00:30:00] They look or sound differently than us. They live in different places. That sort of thing. We really need to know what's happening in our brains and bodies at any given time in order to interact in, stay in connection with other people. And we do, we just need that. We're wired to feel like we need to matter and belong, yet just like processing emotions in healthy ways, we really never get that formal education and how to do relationships well either.

[00:30:27] Cher Anderton: But we really, we need it. I [00:30:30] wrote an entire book about it, about these competencies. And the two thirds of the book is about you. It's self discovery because so much gets skipped and we just go straight into relationship strategies. to try, but we haven't really unpacked everything that we're bringing to the relationship first.

[00:30:47] Dr. Katie Deming MD: And so is that book, could it be better?

[00:30:49] Cher Anderton: Yes.

[00:30:50] Dr. Katie Deming MD: Okay. Yeah. So that that's something that, uh, our listeners can check out, to learn about all of this. But I, I think that you, [00:31:00] describe something in there that I realize that I have seen in patients. So, you know, in my career, I've cared for thousands of patients with cancer.

[00:31:09] Dr. Katie Deming MD: And one of the things that can be challenging through a health crisis is staying in connection because there's so many things that can get in the way of connection when someone's sick. One is that there could be shame. And that may be something that people aren't like, aware of, you know, but, but that there might be shame, like, did I do something [00:31:30] wrong?

[00:31:30] Dr. Katie Deming MD: Or, you know, how did this happen to me? That kind of thing of like, I think that that one is under the surface, but there's other things like, you know, the people who are closest to you have different thoughts about what you should be doing for your treatment. And so then people can start to separate because they don't want to have to explain themselves and they're already tired with all of these things.

[00:31:50] Dr. Katie Deming MD: And, and then there's other pieces like People don't really understand what's happening to me. And so it's just exhausting to explain it. And so then you start losing connection. [00:32:00] But I think that connection is, like you said, we're wired for connection and to believe we matter and belong. I love that. And.

[00:32:10] Dr. Katie Deming MD: Especially when we're sick and especially when we're going through a healing and healing can be from anything. It could not just be physical and also could be divorce. It could be a career change. It could be, you know, some issue that's happened with your Children. and I think that during any crisis, We can [00:32:30] disconnect for many of these different reasons, but like you said, this is like something we're wired for and probably even more important when we're going through a crisis.

[00:32:41] Dr. Katie Deming MD: So I'm wondering if you could speak to that about staying in connection when you are going through a crisis. what are your thoughts on that?

[00:32:52] Cher Anderton: So a couple of things came up for me as you were talking about your client's experiences. One, the feelings that can [00:33:00] come up around cancer, something that can be really helpful. One, just because it invites a lot of empowerment is to recognize that the feelings coming up that no one can make us feel a certain way.

[00:33:12] Cher Anderton: Because there could be 10 people in a room experiencing the same thing and we could all be feeling a different way about it just because of our own experiences and nervous systems. So no one's making us feel shame, but shame is coming up around the experience of having cancer and sharing that with [00:33:30] people in our community.

[00:33:31] Cher Anderton: What I would suggest there is, again, to follow that trailhead of shame, because it's really not about sharing the thing. Follow the shame trail. Which is a hard one for all of us. And again, might need professional support with that. but following the trailhead of whatever feelings are coming up that are in the way of us reaching out and connecting with people that care about us.

[00:33:54] Cher Anderton: That's our work to do. That's one of the invitations when we're experiencing anything that [00:34:00] feels shame based like divorce, any sort of illness, all kinds of things. So write down all the feelings that come up around that experience, and then have some help just being guided towards meeting those needs and processing those emotions in healthy ways.

[00:34:16] Cher Anderton: The second piece around connecting with people who maybe have different ideas about care, maybe say and do things that are really unhelpful or disconnecting for [00:34:30] folks.I think that's an opportunity for boundaries to practice boundary setting because, Not everybody can be your ride or die through experiences like cancer or divorce or anything.

[00:34:42] Cher Anderton: And that is not something that we need to carry if I'm the person experiencing the difficult thing. It's just that's not in somebody's skill, will, and or capacity. To show up in that way and and that says nothing about me, but I'm going to lean into and pour into [00:35:00] relationships that do feel bucket filling, so to speak.

[00:35:04] Cher Anderton: So the circle might get quite small. It might be 1 or 2 people. And hopefully with some other resources, like support groups, I know a lot of a lot of, um, cancer support, like, medical centers are having, you know, offers for support groups and therapy and all kinds of things where you can connect to people who have a bit more of a shared experience.

[00:35:24] Cher Anderton: It might be more bucket filling, but really just setting those boundaries around where we're putting energy, what [00:35:30] energy leaks are happening in relationships. Closing those up by leaning and pouring into relationships that are just more conducive to healing really overall.

[00:35:40] Dr. Katie Deming MD: Yeah, well, And this, what you just shared about the boundaries is so important. I actually didn't think about that when I brought up that, example, but that is what I teach clients as well as create an inner circle. And that inner circle can be really small. Like it could be one person, but these people are the ones that [00:36:00] you don't have to spend.

[00:36:01] Dr. Katie Deming MD: hours explaining why you're doing what you're doing and that they will support you and they will understand you and not judge you and make you feel better. and, and cancer is a powerful opportunity or invitation to look at the relationships in your life. And, and also, you know, when everything is, Going well.

[00:36:22] Dr. Katie Deming MD: It's hard to make radical changes in your life. But this is one of the things that I talk to people about is that when you have cancer, you know, people [00:36:30] understand when you set up some boundaries, you're like, look, I'm, you know, I need space or whatever it is, or I'm getting sick. to, you know, busy with dealing with all this stuff, but starting to create those boundaries is sometimes easier when you're going through something like this, because other people kind of understand.

[00:36:46] Dr. Katie Deming MD: And so it's an opportunity to start to practice, but you really have to protect yourself if you're going through, you know, any kind of health crisis, but any kind of crisis surrounding yourself with those people who. [00:37:00] Are going to be your ride or die, who will walk through it with you and help lift you up rather than tear you down, I think is really important.

[00:37:08] Dr. Katie Deming MD: And we have a lot of people in our life that, and sometimes it's family or whatever that you can't necessarily get away from them, but you kind of, but it is important to set boundaries and let people know what you're available for and what you're not.

[00:37:20] Cher Anderton: Absolutely, I I heard an analogy one time that I really like it's um at any given time The people that we really connect with or interacting [00:37:30] with more often, their energy, just picture it kind of flowing into a blender. So everybody that you're interacting with regularly, their energy goes into this blender and you're essentially like blending everybody's energies and drinking it like a smoothie, so to speak.

[00:37:45] Cher Anderton: And there are some people's energies, especially when we're experiencing difficult life stuff or tricky life stuff. We do not want their energy in our smoothie at all, because that is not going to be helpful again for healing or growing through [00:38:00] something, because most likely the energy they're pouring in, that's less helpful has to do with their own story around whatever's happening to you or going on with them in their life.

[00:38:08] Cher Anderton: It really doesn't have to do with you

[00:38:10] Dr. Katie Deming MD: Absolutely.

[00:38:12] Cher Anderton: but we need to be really contain it. We need to contain it and and speak up about it.

[00:38:16] Dr. Katie Deming MD: yeah, that analogy is so brilliant. I love it because it's so. It's true. It's like you're drinking this in, you're bringing this into your being. That for me, I, I think is, is really [00:38:30] powerful. So thank you for sharing, that analogy. Well, I, it's been a pleasure having you on the show and sharing with us.

[00:38:38] Dr. Katie Deming MD: I think, you know, I talk so much about the importance of, you know, emotions in our physical well being. And this is not just for people who are dealing with illness. This is all of us so that we don't get sick. Right. When I went through, you know, all the changes that I've gone through in the past couple of years, my mentor [00:39:00] said to me, you know, just like your patients, this has the potential to make you physically sick.

[00:39:07] Dr. Katie Deming MD: And. It's up to you how you move through it. And I just took that and I was just like, okay, this work, I, and in some ways it was beautiful because I did a lot of the work that I'm encouraging my clients to do, not because I was already sick, but because I was like, okay, I don't want to get sick. And this is what I want [00:39:30] people to understand is that this work is important for All of us so that we can live our healthiest, most vibrant, you know, life, and also achieve the things that we want to achieve.

[00:39:42] Dr. Katie Deming MD: Because if we're stuck, it not only can make us physically sick, but it also can thwart us from getting what, achieving what we want to achieve in life.

[00:39:52] Cher Anderton: yes, this is very, it can be proactive and reactive work, meaning, hopefully we're not getting the invitation. That's really [00:40:00] uncomfortable, uncomfortable, such as all kinds of things, relational distress, physical illness, but that we. We can lean into it. The steps that we talked to, the things we talked about today apply to absolutely everybody. And we really do want to look at just teeny tiny shifts that we can make and what we think, feel, say, and do. That's going to really increase wellness in all areas of our life. And I found that just personally and even professionally, but personally, I have several autoimmune diseases. I've experienced some [00:40:30] pretty traumatic things.

[00:40:31] Cher Anderton: The deeper I go in my emotional work, getting to those deeper layers.the more self trust, just grounding, remission, and certain, certain diseases that I have, it just, it, it spills out everywhere, this work that we do to just build more self trust and be more in our bodies, it really does, influence positively everything that we experience in our lives.

[00:40:54] Cher Anderton: So, I can't emphasize enough how much we need to kind of lean into these little strategies that do pay off [00:41:00] massively over time.

[00:41:01] Dr. Katie Deming MD: Absolutely. Well, so you mentioned your book. So could it be better as your book and that book is available where?

[00:41:08] Cher Anderton: it's on Amazon Barnes and Noble anywhere. Yeah. Anywhere you online retailers that you pick up your book, you can also get a signed copy through my website if you'd like.

[00:41:17] Cher Anderton: So I think your website? website is.

[00:41:19] Cher Anderton: share anderton. com.

[00:41:21] Dr. Katie Deming MD: Okay, perfect. And we will put a link to that in our show notes. Um, so that if people want to find you, but thank you so much for being with us today and sharing your [00:41:30] wisdom.

[00:41:30] Cher Anderton: Absolutely. Happy to be here. Thank

[00:41:32] Dr. Katie Deming MD: Thank you.

[00:41:33] [00:42:00]

DISCLAIMER:
The Born to Heal Podcast is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for seeking professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Individual medical histories are unique; therefore, this episode should not be used to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease without consulting your healthcare provider.

Meet Dr. Katie Deming,
The Conscious Oncologist

After spending 20 years in conventional medicine as a radiation oncologist and healthcare leader, I’ve learned there’s a better way to heal. Now, I go beyond the confines of conventional and integrative medicine to help my patients detoxify and nourish their full selves, so that they can activate their innate healing abilities.

Browse All Episodes

Sort through tangible tips, case studies, and research on how to help your body heal.

Book a 1:1 Consult

I’m here to be a trusted guide that educates and empowers you to make the best decisions for yourself. Book your specialized Conscious Oncology Consultation to help you heal through cancer here.

Subscribe & Review

Never miss an episode when you subscribe on your listening platform of choice. And if you like what you hear, please leave a review! Your support ensures more people can learn how to truly heal.

DOWNLOAD THE CANCER 101 GUIDE:

Learn the 3 things you need to know about cancer that no one is telling you.